How to move on after a divorce when kids are involved
Getting divorced isn’t easy. Even if it’s amicable, it signifies the end of a chapter of your life, and the hopes and dreams that you once had.
When there are children involved, divorce becomes more tricky, as you need to not only manage your own emotions and rebuild your life, but also consider your children’s feelings and and sense of security.
The good news is that, while getting divorced with kids and finding new happiness can be challenging, it’s quite possible. With compassion, communication, and patience, you can all heal and thrive.
If you’re wondering how to move on after a divorce when kids are involved, we’ve put together a helpful guide to enable you to better navigate this journey together.
Understand that healing takes time
It’s quite normal not to feel okay at first, after all the world you have known for the past few years has ended, and you are transitioning to a new life. So be kind to yourself, and acknowledge that healing is a journey.
It’s common to feel a sense of grief, much like mourning a loss, when a marriage ends. Sadness, guilt, anger and even relief and also frequently felt emotions.
Your children will also need to process the end of their family as they once knew it. They might struggle with confusion, fear, or misplaced blame. It’s important to let them know (and remind yourself) that these feelings are to be expected and will not disappear overnight.
Healing doesn’t have a deadline. By giving yourself and your children permission to feel and grieve, you will create a healthy foundation for genuine growth.
Keep communication open and honest
Regardless of their age, children need clarity and reassurance during a divorce. If you keep quiet or avoid tricky topics, you risk them filling in the blanks with their own fears. That’s not to say you need to overshare every emotion, or get them involved in adult issues, but being honest at their level of understanding is important.
Explain in simple terms what from their life will change, and what will stay the same. Continually reassure them that the divorce is not their fault and that both parents love them. Encourage them to share their feelings, even when it’s difficult for you to hear. Active listening, without judgment or immediate correction, will help them to feel safe.
Create a sense of stability through routine
Divorce can be disruptive to the routines that keep children feeling safe. Shuffling between two homes, getting used to new rules and dealing with their parents’ emotions can leave them unsettled.
So it’s important to provide them with as much consistency as you can. Work together with your co-parent to establish similar routines where you can. Having predictable schedules for school, meals, bedtime and activities can give children a sense of normalcy. Even small consistencies, such as a bedtime story over the phone when they’re with the other parent, can give them comfort.
Co-parent respectfully
While your romantic relationship may have ended, your parenting partnership continues when you have children. And successful co-parenting requires effort, compromise and respect.
Try not to speak negatively about your ex-partner in front of your children. Hearing criticism can make them feel torn between loyalty to one parent over the other. So try to be consistently civil to each other – to your faces and behind your backs – even when tensions run high.
When disagreements arise, keep discussions away from the kids and use tools such as mediation or family counselling if needed. It can also help to engage professional support, such as divorce lawyers in North Sydney, as they can help you understand your rights, and advocate for you if things get too fraught.
Remember: the goal isn’t to “win” against your ex, but to create the healthiest environment possible for your children.
Look after your own emotional health
Your children will need more emotional reassurance from you through this process – and may take out their feelings on you. They’ll also be keenly aware of your moods and behaviours, and use these as cues of how to feel themselves. So it’s important that you care for your own emotional health.
If you’re overwhelmed, exhausted, or emotionally unavailable, make sure you get help from therapy, support groups, or trusted friends. Make your self-care routines a priority, whether that means exercise, journaling, or quiet moments of rest. By caring for your own wellbeing, you show your kids that it’s possible to face hardships and come out stronger.
Create a new, positive definition of ‘family’
Divorce may change your family structure, but it doesn’t erase it. Children need to understand that family doesn’t have to mean everyone living together under one roof – it can be flexible, evolving, and still full of love.
As part of this process, you may want to retain some old routines and traditions, and create some new ones. It might be that in their new family set-up they have two Christmas and birthday celebrations, for example. Over time, the new traditions and routines will become familiar to them, and they will learn that love and connection, not household arrangements, make a family.
Introduce new partners sensitively
You might be ready to date at some point in the future, once you have given yourself time to heal. And you may eventually feel the time is right to introduce your new partner to your children.
Obviously, this needs to be handled sensitively. Ensure your relationship is stable – frequent introductions of new partners can cause confusion and insecurity. When the time is right, approach the situation gradually, and make sure that your children still feel valued and important.
Encourage independence and resilience in your children
Divorce is an opportunity to teach your children resilience. Encourage them to express themselves through art, writing, sports, or other outlets, and praise their strengths and support their coping strategies.
Make sure you don’t fall into the guilt trap of overcompensating by indulging them or being too lenient. It’s important to maintain boundaries and expectations, and balance compassion with structure to help your children develop confidence and adaptability.
Seek professional help if needed
Despite your best efforts, the challenges of coping with divorce life can become overwhelming for you or your children. In this circumstance, therapy and support groups can offer tools and perspectives you might not have considered.
Children’s therapists can provide a safe space for your kids to process emotions, while family therapy can help foster communication and cooperation. Seeking help isn’t a sign of weakness; it’s a sign of commitment to your family’s wellbeing.
Build a new future together
Moving on after a divorce doesn’t mean you need to erase the past. Instead, it means learning from what has happened, accepting it, and creating a new vision for the future. That future might look different than the one you all once imagined, but it can still be filled with joy, love, and connection.
