Seven red flags your child is becoming a people-pleaser

Parenting

Children naturally want to make their parents and teachers happy, but when does this normal desire cross into concerning territory?

According to mental health specialists, the line between healthy eagerness to please and problematic people-pleasing behaviour can be subtle but significant. What many parents miss is that seemingly ‘good’ behaviour – like a child who never causes trouble – might actually signal a deeper issue.

Seven red flags your child is becoming a people-pleaser

Howard Smith, a mental health expert and the founder of Rehab Bali, has observed countless adults struggling with the long-term effects of people-pleasing habits that began in childhood. 

To help parents, he shares the key warning signs we should watch for and explains why catching these patterns early is vital for healthy development.

1) Excessive apologizing

Does your child say sorry for things that aren’t their fault? Children who apologize constantly – for asking questions, taking up space, or expressing needs – may be developing an unhealthy belief that their existence itself is somehow burdensome to others.

When a child apologises for basic needs or normal emotions, it signals they’re learning to prioritise others’ comfort above their own wellbeing. This pattern can continue into adulthood, creating relationships where they never feel worthy of taking up space.

2) Difficulty making simple decisions

Children developing people-pleasing tendencies often freeze when asked what they want – whether it’s choosing a meal, activity, or even a toy. They may respond with I don’t mind or Whatever you want because they’re afraid of making the ‘wrong’ choice.

This hesitation comes from a fear that their preferences might disappoint others. Over time, this disconnects them from understanding their own desires and needs.

3) Emotional suppression

People-pleasing children often hide negative emotions, particularly anger or disappointment. They might smile or agree while visibly upset, or retreat to private spaces before expressing emotions.

When children believe certain emotions are unacceptable, they develop what we call a ‘false self’ – a persona that shows only what they think others want to see. This creates tremendous internal pressure and confusion about identity.

4) Perfectionism and fear of failure

A child who becomes disproportionately upset over small mistakes or refuses to try new activities unless they can do them perfectly may be showing signs of unhealthy people-pleasing.

Behind perfectionism is often a belief that their value depends on performance. These children aren’t motivated by growth but by avoiding disapproval, which can severely limit their development.

5) Taking responsibility for others’ feelings

Does your child try to fix situations when adults are upset, even when it has nothing to do with them? Children who believe they’re responsible for managing others’ emotions often develop hypervigilance – constantly scanning environments for emotional cues.

This hyperawareness comes at the cost of their own emotional experience. They’re so busy monitoring and adjusting to others that they never learn to process their own feelings appropriately.

6) Reluctance to ask for help

People-pleasing children often struggle silently rather than request assistance. They may sit with a difficult homework problem for hours or handle uncomfortable situations alone because they view needing help as imposing on others.

This reluctance stems from the misguided belief that independence means never being a burden. Unfortunately, this prevents them from developing healthy interdependence – the foundation of all successful relationships.

7) Seeking excessive validation

While all children want praise, those with people-pleasing tendencies seek constant reassurance about their worth. They may repeatedly ask if you’re angry with them or if they’ve done something right, even when there’s no reason for concern.

This constant need for external validation reveals an inability to self-validate. Without intervention, these children grow into adults who can’t determine their own worth without others’ approval.

Why children develop people-pleasing behaviours

The roots of people-pleasing tendencies often trace back to early childhood experiences and parenting approaches. Children are remarkably perceptive and quickly learn what behaviours earn love, attention, and safety.

Children developing these patterns have typically received the message – whether explicitly or implicitly – that their worth is conditional. This might happen in homes with unpredictable emotional environments, where children learn to monitor moods and adjust accordingly.

Common contributing factors include:

• Inconsistent parenting: When discipline, affection, or attention fluctuate based on a parent’s mood rather than a child’s behaviour, children learn to become emotional caretakers.
• Praise focused solely on achievement: When children receive recognition only for accomplishments rather than effort or character, they learn their value lies in what they do, not who they are.
• Emotional neglect: Even in materially comfortable homes, children whose emotional needs are dismissed learn to suppress those needs to maintain connection.

These patterns typically develop not from malice but from generational cycles. Many parents of people-pleasers were themselves raised to prioritise others’ needs above their own.

Help your child avoid people-pleasing tendencies

The consequences of childhood people-pleasing extend far beyond mere politeness or consideration for others. At our treatment centre, we regularly work with adults whose anxiety, depression, and addiction issues stem from decades of neglecting their own needs in favour of others.

People-pleasers often struggle with poor boundaries, difficulty identifying their own desires, and a profound sense of emptiness. They often describe feeling like they’re living someone else’s life or that they don’t know who they truly are beneath the roles they play for others.

Parents can help by validating children’s authentic emotions – even the uncomfortable ones – and creating safe spaces for children to express preferences without fear of rejection. Teaching children that their worth isn’t tied to performance or people-pleasing is perhaps one of the greatest gifts a parent can give.

Start by modelling healthy boundary-setting yourself. Let your child see you respectfully saying ‘no’ when appropriate. Additionally, create opportunities for your child to make age-appropriate decisions, and respect those choices even when they differ from what you might prefer. 

Finally, praise effort and character rather than just results – this helps children understand their value exists independent of their achievements.

Rehab Bali is a world-class addiction and mental health treatment centre, providing compassionate care in a serene, tropical setting. They have a focus on clinical excellence offering 24/7 medical support, personalised therapy, and holistic healing approaches. The centre’s intimate and exclusive environment ensures tailored recovery programs designed to empower individuals.