Setting boundaries before living with a partner

Relationships

You must set clear boundaries with your partner before moving in together, no matter how much you love one another. In this blog, we’ll show you how to write a roommate agreement that suits both parties and how to resolve common boundary issues.

Starting the boundary conversation

You’ll likely talk about moving in together a lot before going into the specifics. This means it can be easy to leave your boundaries until the last minute. However, you should discuss this around 1-2 months before moving.

This gives you time to plan the practicalities of living together and identify any red flags that you should hash out. It can’t be just a quick chat — it has to be a fruitful, productive discussion when you’re both calm and free to talk.

This conversation has to be a team effort, so use “we” and “us” where you can. The goal here is not to rein each other in, but to support one another, including your needs and idiosyncrasies. 

Boundaries worth setting

Living with a partner is very different from having a roommate, even though some of the logistics are the same. However, a roommate agreement still has to cover every aspect of living together. Here are just six examples:

  • Finances: Be honest about your budget and figure out how you’ll split expenses — will you take turns paying for groceries and utilities, or split all payments 50/50?
  • Chores: Similarly, you might take turns doing chores each week. Alternatively, you could split them according to what you prefer or simply feel more comfortable doing.
  • Digital privacy: Not every couple is comfortable using each other’s devices. Make sure your partner knows if your phone or laptop is off limits.
  • Shared spaces: Figure out your bathroom and bedtime schedules. For example, is one of you a night owl? Would one of you taking long showers annoy the other?
  • Friend visits: Set rules about friends who stay over, including how much notice (if any) you’ll need to give and how noisy the place can be at night.
  • Personal time: Everyone needs alone time sometimes, even from their partner. Don’t be afraid to ask for space just for yourself, especially after a long day at work. 

Having your own space

Some couples still aim for a two-bedroom property. This doesn’t mean they expect to fight, but it might mean they acknowledge the reality of not wanting to sleep in the same bed every night.

For example, one partner might get home late and not want to wake the other. Alternatively, one partner may just want some time to themselves that night. It doesn’t mean your relationship is in jeopardy.

If you do have two bedrooms, write who gets the “main” one in your agreement. You don’t want to fight over who gets the full-size bed after an argument.

Boundary issues and how to address them

Even the best agreement can’t cover everything. No matter how hard you try, there are bound to be boundary issues when you start navigating life together. With this in mind, here are several common boundaries that could pose a problem.

1. Feeling Neglected or Smothered

Dividing your time between your relationship and other responsibilities is tricky — living together can help or hinder this. You can fix this by blocking out specific alone time or making it clear that alone time doesn’t mean relationship trouble.

2. Financial Worries

Your partner’s cavalier spending could make you worry that they don’t take your living situation seriously, and uneven contributions might breed resentment. Talking openly about finances and tracking expenses with a shared app should help you find a better balance.

3. Conflicting Routines

Sharing the same bed with different bedtime schedules can pose a problem, especially if one of you likes watching videos while the other’s trying to sleep. Set “quiet hours” and make sure you both use headphones during this time.

4. Social Battery Mismatches

Many couples have a more introverted partner who can easily feel overwhelmed when their extroverted partner brings friends or family over. If you’re extroverted, make it clear to your partner that they can leave whenever they want.

5. Emotional Labor

The “invisible work” you do for each other may fade into the background. This can include basic chores and housework, or simply being the one to plan your days. Always thank your partner for what they do behind the scenes.

6. Assumptions

Never assume each other’s boundaries. What’s obvious to you might not be the case for your partner. Always discuss boundaries in-depth before moving in, and make sure they’re present in your roommate agreement.

Set boundaries that reflect both your needs

Your roommate agreement should be more than a basic list of duties; it should also reflect your (and your loved one’s) needs. Use a customizable online template, and you’ll have no problems adding extra clauses and boundaries.